Potato Taya/

This is my buddy. My friend, my ho-bag and likely my other half.
She used to live in Utah. But we dont talk about that, because that was a sad time, when we werent nearly BFFS.
She took me to her lake, to sit and chat on a warm day.
She took me to Mcdonalds on vacation, when we "snuck" out with the parentals knowledge.
We order pizza to my front lawn at midnight, so the parentals dont wake up and get disturbed.
We make fun of people, their douchebag boyfriends,and the lives they are living.
We played with waterballoons and they became my children during family reunions.
We go to awkward family reunions, and laugh about silly stuff.
I dont have a crush on her twin, which is probably why we became BFFs.
This is my buddy, my pal, the beast, the best.
I love her. My cousin, slash sister, slash I am just really glad she lives here now.

Response. Aka. the man in dreams

So there's a guy out there. Who doesnt stand a girl up, and doesnt care that her hair's in a ponytail. Who brings her chicken noodle soup when she is sick. He's tall. But not too tall. Tall enough for his chin to rest on my forhead when he embraces me. Not just hugs, not just greetings but embraces.
He has curly dark hair in my dreams. The kind with not to much gel, not too much care, just naturally attractive. And eyes that can stare back at me, and not feel awkward, and feel so at home. They can be blue, or brown. No awkward green. Haha.
He won't have a sculpted body, not overweight either. The kind of guy who is comfortable with himself,and will not feel the need to spend everyday at the gym.
The kind of guy who can hold a conversation with my parents, and know that he is liked.
He will have a smile that tells a story. Not the perfect, i had braces for a zillion years smile, but the kind that has character. That says, I smile and laugh, and want to smile and laugh with you.
He will have muscly forearms from all the practicing on piano. I will put my hand on his arm to say hello, and feel the strength beneath my own hands.
He will love me for me. Not for who I can become but who I am now. He will hopefully love me now, and will still accept who I become as we grow together.
But man, I am not holding my breath. I'm still young. And he's still far away.

Change..Moving on?

So tonight, choir started again. And I wasn't there.
I feel awkward, and sad and weird. And nothing good.
I don't like the idea of having a zillion kids from my school there.
Choir was my thing, away from school, with all MY friends. And to have to share would have been weird. But not as weird as not being there at all.
I miss everything.
I dont have friends like that at school. I have a few very good friends, but no big sisters or brothers anymore. I am the old one at school, the 'seniors'. Its nice, but I miss the graduates, I miss what was.
School has changed, There is no choir, and this is all super weird.
Change isn't good.

Youtube Jerk.

So I was in a pretty bad mood today.
I'm not sure what put me into the mood. I tried to make plans with a couple of different friends and they were all busy.
Then tonight I was listening to music on youtube, because thats the cheap way to have music on your computer, and I came across this pretentious prick who was critiquing my choir, and was saying that....

" There is a difference between moving with emotion and becoming distracting and sticking out from the rest of the choir. If people are doing something that makes the audience notice them as a single person it defeats the entire purpose of a choir."

I was the girl moving my hand to the beat for a song or two. Which clearly offended this person. So I guess I was defeating the purpose of a choir all together for 3 years. Thanks jerk. You made my night.

My weirdo's.

This is my family. I am learning that over time, friends will fade, or move, or what have you, but My Family will always be there. I have gone through a weird transition this year, but I know they're are always there.
I might only get along with Austin REALLY late at night, when neither of us feel like going to bed, but I love the kid. We have eachothers backs. We talk. I might not know everything, but I can talk to him when I want to. We might get on eachothers nerves, but I would give my innards for the guy anyday.

My mom has been on my nerves lately, not letting me go back in choir. But I have realized she does it out of love, and she cares for me alot. I know she just wants what's best, it just might take a magnifine glass to see it through my attitude. She loves us, and I her. I would be lost without her.

And dad, the strong one. The one who keeps us together, and is the support we need. But he's also the one to conjure the most laughs. Especially with his infamous pedestrian scare tactics.
He is weird, likes vampire movies, and fish (which are disguisting) but he's a pretty cool guy too.

I really love my family, our weird quirks, and our love. We laugh, we cry, we mourn, we rejoice. We act like idiots, and have very few dinner manners, but we are an interesting group. I wouldn't trade this group of weirdo's for anything. They are my family, and my friends.

Free time in AGA.

So I am taking a new class in school called Applied Graphic Arts. There is a new person like EVERYDAY, so we are never going to get done this project. Shit.
Anyways, I have finished like 300 days ago, which is special.. so now we wait for everyone else to finish. So I have lots of extra time. Which is ok I guess?
Anyways, you should expect some new blogs, because I have lots of free time.

Mom.

So here it is. The awful truth.

My life is mostly a rollercoaster. I have good things happen. Even great things happen.
And then there are days like today.
Today, I went to go be a good daughter, and cheer my mom on, in something that was clearly something huge for her. She walked today, in the winners walk of hope. Its a 5km walk raising money for ovarian cancer. She met survivors, she met sisters in the fight, and she met families of those who have passed from this silent killer.

I hate seeing her like this. She is sick. She is tired,sore, and hurt. She puts on a smile for everyone. She is so strong- most days. She puts on a fighting face, and its really incredible. Its convincing to most. But I know her. I've lived with her my entire life, I really KNOW her. She cries, silently, when she thinks no one is watching. She takes it so well, coping with everything this world has shoved in her face. She pretends that this disease doesnt scare the shit out of her. So do the rest of us. But I am terrified.

My mom is my hero. She is one of the strongest people I know. She has gone through so much, and is so incredible. She makes me mad, she makes me smile, its all part of growing up. I dont want to grow up without her. I refuse to think that she wont survive this.
Our family has gone through enough.
If there was a God, he would make our lives suck less. WE ARE GOOD PEOPLE.
If karma existed, our lives would be alright. WE ARE GOOD PEOPLE.
I dont know what will make her better. This stuff makes me have less faith in the world.
I love her so much.

Forgive me.

Forgive Me
by Missy Higgins

Oh my son look at what I’ve done
But I am learning still
Learning still
Know that I am learning still

And oh my wife you are my life
And I am burning still
Burning still
Know that I am burning for you stil

lAnd all, all, all of my light is for you
And home, home’s anywhere you are too
So take this one fallen man on his knees
Saying please forgive me

Oh my God how you make it hard
Not to pick the apple
Pick the apple
And Lord I long to give it back.

And I was on shaky land
Lost and unsure I opened my hand
And she held it like sinking sand
But all, all, all of my light is for you

And home, home’s anywhere you are too
So take this one fallen man on his knees
Saying pleaseAll, all, all of my light is for you
And home, home’s anywhere you are too

So take this one fallen man on his knees
Saying please forgive me
Forgive me

Africa

Africa
One year and a bit ago, I was heading to Africa. I haven't found the words to express how this makes me feel. Its a really big mixture of sadness, reflection, and gratefulness.I met a family that changed my life. The Binghams opened their hearts and home to me. I laughed, and shared memories with each of them. Dinner time was spent laughing and making silly jokes about Susan ( my 2nd mother). They took me to school, where I learned more than I can ever express. I learned about the world around me, and how little I really knew about anything other than my own little world. The Binghams were the peole who introduced me to the ocean. They introdued me to a new perception, realizing how small and insignificant I am in the reality of the universe.I went on vacation. It was much more of a journey than I realized at the time. It is something I carry with me, and will tell lengthy stories on demand.I went to school in South Africa. I met some of the people I hope to know the rest of my life. I had talks with friends there, that really pushed me to find myself, to have an opinion, and to really believe in myself. I learned about aparteid and how devistating that time really was. I met teachers who really cared about the world, and about each student. I wore a uniform, that really made my life a hundred times easier. I saw the very wealthy live, and how priveledged these people were. Then I saw the complete opposite.I learned about poverty. A township is full of extreme poverty, sickness, and yet, the most amazing people I have ever met. I worked at this preschool, and I was touched so deeply by the kids I met. I fell in love with the teachers, the school, and the beautiful children. They taught me the language, their songs, their way of life.I met young ones who really just needed someone to love them. These kids have so little, but really they have more power, and joy than I could have dreamed of having. Their smiles, and their dancing, the spirits of these people, spoke to me so much. I was called "Canada Kati" for the longest time, until we taught them about Canada, and that yes, it was somewhere you could go. "Kati is to Canada as Elam is to South Africa." I met a girl who changed my life. Who makes me want to be a better person. I feel so much love for this young one, Elam. I met a man who has more faith in God, and in the good of life than I thought was posible. I learned how little I really knew about myself, and about the God that I knew. I had a fire lit inside me to strive to learn more, and to do better, and be better.I look back on Africa, and the things that happened there that changed my life forever. I miss it almost every. I get bummed sometimes about spending time in Edmonton, where things are so different, and my heart yearns for something more. I am so amazed at everything that happened to me, what a blessing this trip was for me. I just wish I could express how thankful I am to all the people who made this opportunity what it was to me.

Ricard Nace.

A couple months ago, I had the amazing opportunity to go to Banff. I have been through some weird, and rough things lately, and really needed something new. Not something epic, but a breather, a refresher. I wasnt searching for a magic moment, I didn't wait for some miracle to happen, but I got my moment.We worked with this clinician who I have always respected. I have been looking for something and I just couldn't find it. The words this man spoke to my choir felt like they had been spoken just for me. It felt like he knew what I was feeling, and said exactly something in return. He spoke about a man that once told him that there are 2 ways you can go about life. "Get bitter or get better". I have been choosing the bitter route lately. I've been sad, and hurt. I didnt plan this mood, this outlook, but I feel like it is so far away from me now.Rich spoke, and struck such a chord in me. He said that getting better, isnt always the easiest, and sometimes it takes much longer than we want it to. It sometimes takes hurt, and pain to grow, and to turn hurt into growth is one of the hardest things we can do. But I feel like I can. It took someone to come speak to me, to realize this, but I have the motivation to get "better".I left so emotional that he had said exactly the things I needed to hear, that I could hardly even say thank you. I don't believe much in fate, but I really felt like seeing him, was such an amazing thing.So Rich, thank you for your love, your support, and your inspiring words.I dont even know how to comprehend what happened to me, and how much that weekend has changed me. Thanks for the "WOW" moment of banff.

Him

Blahhhhg.
So I dated this guy, for almost a year, and it ended the last week of march. We got along really well, we could talk, share laughs, and moments, and I really had a good time. Its not until recently that I have seen how 2-faced he is. I fell in love with the man I knew to be the real "him". The one that didnt need to act cocky or try to impress people. That didnt need to make rude comments or try to be the class act, the cool kid.
I have learned alot from him. What I want in a fuure relationship or even just friendships, and alot of what I DONT want. Which makes me sad. I fell in love with my best friend, and when we broke up, I not only lost my best friend, but lost most respect for him aswell. Sometimes it's hard to see what I gained. I know there must be something positive, but I am not seeing much. Grow up, loser. You can't be the class clown- asshole forever.

New Feelings.

Its a new feeling, one which I have not been familiar with for a long time.
Not just feeling sad, but feeling empty. Its hard to explain.
When I feel like I have not got control of my depression, empty is the word I would use to describe how I feel. Like something is missing, and you have no idea what it is, when it went missing, or if it's going to come back.
I can laugh, and make jokes and try to pretend like this hole isnt there, but it is. When I am not busy and pretending to be someone different it sets in. I feel very sad.
Sad, and lonely. Its hard to tell someone that you feel lonely, when in reality, I am surrounded by hundreds of people daily. I have a family who loves me, and friends who love me too, but I feel lonely.
I dont know how to feel better, and it scares me to death to think that I would have to tell someone who cares about me, that I am lonely.
"thanks for your friendship, and love, but you aren't good enough... Im still lonely".
What a crappy person I would be. And I think I would feel worse after a discussion of my feelings.
So I tell you, the blogging world. Who likely wont be offended by my feelings because you dont know me anyways. I am sad, I am lonely, and I want to go "home" even though home is apparently right here.