One leg in, one leg out.

So Imma ‘bout to go to sleep last night, and it was a nice day. I didn’t have to work, so I got to sleep in, and watch some of my favourite PVR’d TV shows. It was really nice. And then I had some lunch with Nog, and that’s pretty much been my day. So not a whole lot to be updated. So I figure, lets just get right to the list of awesome. Numbers three and four!!

3) I don’t really discuss the method other people use to help themselves stay comfortable during the night, but I have a few solid things that I do as I fall asleep that keep me comfy for hours. Which is the whole idea really. So. Number thee on the list, is infact, sleeping with one leg under the covers and one leg out. No one appreciates the self ventilation this provides your body. I love it. Its just so overly convenient.

4) Going along with the SLEEP theme today, as that is what I am about to indulge in, I also LOVE LOVE LOVE waking up before my alarm to realize I still have an hour left to sleep. I think it is soooooo satisfying to roll back over and say “take that, universe!!”

So here’s to a good night’s rest, and a good early shift at work tomorrow. Come buy a latte. You’ll love it.

Limbo swings and popcorn hulls

So I've been wanting to post on my blog more often, and I have come up with an idea/ theme. I have compiled an ever increasing list of things I find excellent. And I will post them more often. But still give life updates when they occur. So yes. This is my plan of action. We will begin with numbers one and two today, because that seems like a good place to start.

1) The momentary stillness your stomach creates just before you come back down after a really comfortable swing up.
Most people like swings. Not many people like swings as much as I do. It's a little strange. It's that limbo feeling I really like the split second between going up, and coming back down. I like that feeling. I also just find the sensation of the rocking back and forth really comforting.
So there you have it. Number one on the awesome list.

2) When you finally get the stuck stubborn peice of popcorn hull out of your gums.
I REALLY like going to movies. Mostly for the movie, but it is almost equally as exciting to have theatre popcorn. But... I hate when you get a hull stuck in the middle of the movie, and your gums start to bleed and hurt alot, and you can't really concentrate on the movie, because this stupid thing is poking the crap out of your gums. And all you want to do is get some floss, but all you have are your dull fingernails, and the rest of the movie to be bothered. But, there is a very satisfying feeling when you FINALLY get it out. It's a release of awkward gum pressure. And then you can go back to eating your popcorn. And the process repeats. Try having braces...


Check back for more things on the awesome list later. Good afternoon, good evening, and good night.

Vancouver.

So one of my best friends is moving away on sunday. You could say I am devastated, and it would be a HUGE understatement.

I dont know how to feel about things right now. I have liked him for a very long time, and I wasnt going to say anything, because I knew he was leaving. And somehow word got around to him, and that has made things as complicated and hard as I knew it would.

I dont just like him like that. He is my best friend. Who I can call in the middle of the night, and have a meltdown to. Who makes me laugh until my abs are cringing in pain from laughing so hard. Who picks me up and takes me to midnight movies. Who knows how I feel about pretty much everything.

I have come to the realization that Vancouver is vey far away. Very very far away. And I dont like vancouver very much right now. It has stolen my best friend. It is exactly 1160.5 Km away, which is a 12 hour and 24 minute drive. And I dont drive.

This rollercoaster.

So I can have a really good day one day, and a completely terrible day the next.
Yesterday was really fun. I had such a good day.

And today I cried I was so angry. I can be annoyed, but I dont get angry very often. I achieved that today. Hurray.

I love being on a rollercoaster. I love my job.

Austin

So this past summer, I learned that my brother is the most frustrating piece of crap on earth. I also learned that he is one of my best friends. He is becoming less and less of the frustrating piece of crap and more of the best friend. I really like that I can go to him to chat about things, to play games, to have my back cracked, for a good laugh, when I need someone to cry to, or just someone to sit with.

Austin and I watch a number of shows when we are bored. I quite like this. It passes the time. We also multitask, by playing a game, or chatting while we watch these shows, and I really like this time of the evening. Sometimes we turn on the Family channel and mock the TERRIBLE acting that is on, or we watch Two and a Half Men. Which is a slightly better show. But I really just enjoy his company.

I think Austin knows me better than most people do, which is really cool. He knows the good, the bad and the ugly. And being my little brother, he still knows how to annoy the living hell out of me, and push any button he chooses to. But he is a really funny person, and most of the buttons he pushes he pushes the because he knows I will yell, laugh, call him a douche, and get even in an hour.

What I have come to realize is that now that the school year has started, we both have much less time to stay up late. We have less time for midnight snacks, and one am chats, and two am go fish games. I think it sucks, because I really like hanging with the kid. He's turned out ok. We've both still got some growing up to do. But I generally really like hanging out with him. Which is alot more than what I can say about when we were little. So all I'm asking is that it be summer again soon. Or atleast holidays (without the snow-obviously) so I can hang out with Austin.

Because, deep down, I love the most frustrating piece of crap on earth. He's my brother.

WOW. This is weird.

It is the first year in 11 years that I have not sung in a choir. YUCK!!!!!!!!

1998-2000 EJJC
2000-2004 ECC
2004-2008 Kokopelli
2005-2006 Grade 9 Choir
2006-2007 Grade 10 Choir
2008-2009 Grade 12 Concert Choir

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QS5lJOvtqR4

The best song ever written.

Sorry ~Maria Mena

Vague sound of rain
pierces through my song again
but I get distracted by the way his toes move when he plays
so I let it burn

I just poured my heart out
there's bits of it on the floor
And I take what's left of it and rinse it under cold water
And call him up for more

And I say baby, yes I feel stupid to call you, but I'm lonely
And I don't think you meant it when you said you couldn't love me
And I thought maybe if I kissed the way you do, you'd feel it too

He said I'm sorry
so sorry
I'm sorry
so sorry

He grabs my wrists
as my fingers turn into angry fists
and I whisper why can't you love me, I'll change for you
I'll play the part

And I say baby, yes I feel stupid to call you, but I'm lonely
And I don't think you meant it when you said you couldn't love me
And I thought maybe if I kissed the way you do, you'd feel it too

He said I'm sorry
so sorry
I'm sorry
I am sorry

Plain and simple

I am never enough. Thats my new discovery. Plain and simple.

Movies of 2009 I would like to see.

Julie & Julia (opens August 7th)

The Time Travellers Wife (opens August 14th)

(500) Days of Summer (opens September 4th)

Post Grad (opens August 21st)

All About Steve (opens September 4th)

Love Happens (opens September 18th)

Surrogates (opens September 25th)

The Invention of Lying (opens September 25th)

Couples Retreat (opens October 9th)

An Education (opens October 22nd)

2012 (opens November 13th)

New Moon (opens November 20th)

Planet 51 (opens November 20th)

Old Dogs (opens November 25th)

It's Complicated (opens December 25th)

One way streets

I have lost ALOT of friends in the last few years. I have realized that I am one of those girls that people are friends with (in general) because its convenient. Yes, I have some friends who are clear exceptions but for the most part that is how things have worked for me.
Even people I have called my best friends in the past few years dont talk to me, unless I start up a conversation. I have lost so many friends. And I am SO hurt. and SO angry. I'm done with people who make me start all conversations. If they really wanted to talk to me, they could have started a conversation too. Its a two way street.

I am tired of starting all the conversations. I dont feel important to anyone anymore. I'm not important enough to start a conversation with. I dont need to be the one to always say the first words. Its nice sometimes, but I'm tired of living on one way streets.

I have learned that my close friends think I'm important, but I'm tired of feeling unimportant to everyone else. I give up. If you dont want to start a conversation, you clearly dont want to talk to me. I get that. I just give up caring so much.

I am bored tonight. And cyberspace needs to know more about me.

I love to drink tea on cold days.
I hate handwriting. Reading it, and writing it.
I like my dog nog, more than most things that exist.
I dont like sleeping with socks on.
I like peanut butter and cheese wiz sandwiches.
I dont like snow.
I like to sleep in.
I dont like air dryed towels. I dont like the crunch.
I like baths. WAY more than showers.
My favourite colour is Teal.
I dont like having toe nails. They hurt.
I like to play piano.
I dont like eating brussel sprouts.
I dont sit still very well.
I really like pickles.
I really like spiral macaroni.
My favourite key is g flat.
My favourite interval is a perfect 4th.
All of my favourite chords involve 7ths, 9ths, or 4ths.
I really like the number 3.
I really dont like hugs with most people.
I'm terrified of germs.
I like rain, but I dont like thunder.
I like to look at eyes.
I'm really interested in genetics.
I want to be a teacher when I grow up.
I dont want to grow up.
I liked english until gr.12.
I like romantic comedies. They are nice.
I am left handed.
It takes me a really long time to fall asleep.
I like boys who are musical.
I would really like to get to know a homeless person for a day.
I dont even like someone right now, and I am excited to dance with my dad at my wedding.
I like road trips.
I feel REALLY offended when someone makes other plans, and simply forget that we already had some.
I have corn dogs probably once or twice a year, but they are my favourite food hands down.
I think scallop potatoes are the worst invention human kind has come up with. Or a close second to nuclear weapons.
I have a love hate relationship with Greys Anatomy. Its my favourite show, and its the most frustrating hour of my week aswell.

Graduation.

Sometimes, I'm afraid to say how i really feel. So I come to my blog, and I write it here. Only a few people know about this blog, and I feel safe here.
I'm terrified of graduating. I'm terrified of losing the friends i have. And I know what everyone says. "If they are important friends, you will find a way to stay in touch." But that's not the reality. Sometimes, I have really important friends and sometimes we lose touch. And I hate that. i hate that we will catch up once or twice, talk about what is going on our lives now, and leave the coffee house, and see each other again in 6 months.
Some of my friends are moving far away for school. I know they are only an email away. But they aren't down the hall, in the school that feels so big, but is a very small place comparatively.
And most of my other friends, I am leaving behind. I'm the one graduating, and they are all left behind. I have made some incredible friends this year, that have helped me through alot.
I'm tired of the stupid drama, and the silly boys. I'm tired of highschool drama, and crappy cafeteria food. I'm tired of finding that the stall I'm in has no toilet paper, or the bathroom has no soap at all. I'm tired of walking through hallways with no floor or ceiling tiles, and missing walls. I'm sick of moving classrooms for construction, and cranky librarians. And I'm especially sick of the cat ears, and tails.
I'm tired of these things. But they add character. These things make up the place I call my second home. I have spent 6 years here. There are dancers in the hallways, and a piano in the main lobby. This place is filled with love and passion for the arts. I love walking through the hallways.
I'm terrified of growing up. Things are complicated, and convoluted.
Nothing Lasts for ever.

MY FAB DAY

I had a REALLY good day today.
i bought a quadruple venti white mocha for starters. mmmmmmmmmmmmm.

then i went to band, and played awesome music. and i kicked ass, and playedd two parts at once. And did some scale theory. it was a really good class.

and then I had english, and we got very little done today, except organized our group for oral presentations coming up. some highlighting, and some story analyzing.

and then i had lunch with my two best friends. I REALLY like them. they are so good to me, and so nice, and i really am just lucky to have friends like them. Hurray Erin and Rochelle.

Next was photo, and I got SO much done. and a VERY succesful project done. holy man is it turning out cool.

Bio we got more notes on the vagayjay. enough said.

and i rode the bus home with my good friend Dacs. And then I went shopping with my dad for new shoes for greece.

I got 2 new pairs of shoes, and 2 tacos immediately following the shoe experience.

and now i am SOOOOO tired. Bed. it calls me. and i am listening.

To Junior High

Grade 7 seems like it was forever ago. But recently, I have thought alot about things that happened that year. I have 3 major friends, who have different parts on my life to this day.

1.The friend who still smiles at me in the hall, even though we haven't spoken in years.
My first best friend at Vic was Jessica Grudzinski. Who couldn't say her last name because she wore this retainer that made it impossible for her to speak without being cute. We met in mrs. camerons grade 7 science class. She and I would eat lunch together, when boys decided to be silly. She passes me in the hallways sometimes now that we have grown up, and I see her all grown up.Its weird to see people you've known for a long time grow up. You remember the "little" them, and it seems natural that they will always be that person, even as you are growing up, like time has stopped because you dont see them.Their life is on pause when mine isnt. I see her walk with her boyfriend who I've also known forever. And she smiles at me. And that makes me so happy. We don't talk anymore, but we smile. And her smile means the world to me sometimes. To know that I shared a really big part of my life with her, and we moved on, and grew apart, but we smile passing by one another, as if reminiscing about the times from the past. Remembering.

2. The friend who moved away and comes to visit
Another one of my best friends in junior high was Joey Taverner. We had a lot of classes together throughout the years. He played clarinet in band for a few years, across from me playing the flute. We took math together, in ms, cherneshinko's tiny classroom. And then we decided to date, because we were already best friends. That worked out ok for a while, and then we decided to just be friends again. And unlike every other circumstance I've ever heard of, we were friends again afterwards. We grew apart later on through junior high, but I will never forget the times we did share. He moved away, to BC a few years ago. And it was pretty sad. I lost touch with him, through distance and different friends, and life. Life happened. He comes back to spend a few days here every once in a while, when he can catch a ride here. I have very mixed feelings about it. I am ecsatic to see my old friend, who has grown up, all handsome and big. But at the same time, I feel a pang of heart wrenching sadness to know how much time has grown in between us. He came back today. And I got my big embrace. We spoke about school, and about life here and there, and I realized how much life has grown in between us. I miss him alot. And its hard to say that to a friend that's just passing by, how much I REALLY miss him. We've grown up. And grown apart.

3. The friend who passes me by, day after day, and not even a nod accknowledging my existance as a human being.
Natalie Foremsky was my third best friend in junior high. We went through the torturous Waldie's social class, and pj parties in gym class. The simple joys of being a preteen, like sleepovers, and summer water fights and birthday parties. She has changed so much, and yet so little at the same time. She has grown into a BEAUTIFUL woman. Not that she wasn't pretty before, but she has really grown into herself. While still reminding me of the old Nat Archibald I remember. I literally pass her sitting at her locker everday with her friends, and I dont get a single glance back. I smile occasionally, knowing there won't be a response. Dear natalie, I know you see me. And I miss you. Do you still smile? Because the little girl I remember was always smiling.


So i guess the moral of this post is that I have learned that we all grow up. Whether we want to or not. And we deal with it differently. Some of us politely acknowledge what used to be, some of us visit the past when we can, and some of us cut out evidence of anything that existed. Its weird.

"But who am I to say you know me, I dont know anything at all."

The perma-friend.

I am the friend.
I think its what I am good at. Not being the girly girl, that all the silly boys fall for. But the friend that they just like being friends with. Hurray for being the friend.
And not really a hurray. A dear-world-you-suck.

To Miss S. Schultz

You my friend are one of my favourite people at our silly school. I'm glad that you've been a part of my 6 years at Vic. You've been such a huge part of my experience. We don't even need to discuss your incredible talent, because we both know you will modestly deny it. But seriously.
The bus ride talks are some of my favourite moments between us. The life talks about how great things are going, or the talks about how stupid people can be. I'm glad that we agree on stupid people in our band class..Which takes us to the many band memories. Oh band camp. What a ridiculous place. Camp nakumun will forever hold some of the greatest camps ever. I loved the while that we also shared choral class, and became the manly altos in the back row. What a great time. I'm grateful for the times we've shared over the years. I will miss you very much once we've graduated. Here's to the memories created,and to the ones we still have left to create. Thanks for it all girl. LoveLoveLove

To Quinn;

To Quinn;
I don’t think I’ve told you how awesome I truly think you are. You are one of my favourite people to talk to. You make me laugh. You make me mad with your circular logic. The way you write, is so eloquent, and it drives me bananas that you won’t admit to it. The weird things you think when you can’t sleep. They make me think. You make me think, with every conversation we have. To question life, and to form opinions. I have made self discoveries thanks to our late summer night talks. I’ve learned how to speak in haiku form. That makes me smile so much to see a ridiculous haiku waiting for me when I get home posted on my wall. That funny game we used to play, “if I were a vegetable I would be a…. zucchini”. Thank you for the ‘laugh out louds the ‘frustration out louds’, letting me think out loud, and for the haikus. Here’s to being a Yes man, to Jim Carrey finding a woman his own age, and the trips down to lethy town. Much love man. Much love.

To Erin;

To Erin;
You keep me sane. I love someone who I can laugh with, and cry with. And you are such a good friend to me. I love our silly movie marathons, and hot tub adventures. I love laughing about stupid people, yelling about stupid teachers, whispering about cute boys, and dying with laughter. I missed you so much while you were on vacation. You make my days so much happier. To see you, sitting there waiting for me at the blue building to have our lunches is one of the greatest feelings. To be so comfortable with you, and feel so at ease to see a loving face, in the crowd that just passes by. Thanks for being there through it all.

To Austin;

To Austin;
I feel like we’ve grown as people a lot in the last few weeks. I like that we trust each other. I like laughing with you JEMAINE. I like having late night parties, with mash potatoes, and FRIENDS. What a stupid show. I love that we are talking more and more as time goes on. I love that we share the basement, and even though it got significantly messier with 2 teenagers living in it, I’m glad you moved down here. I’m glad that you let me date your best friend (NOT). I’m glad that you’re someone I enjoy spending time with. You’re not just a sibling, you are my friend. My good friend. I love you buddy. Even when you punch my arm and it dies. Even then. I love you.

To my parents;

I can't even describe the love and respect I have for you both as people. I'm not the perfect daughter as we all know, and there are times when I would like to kick your shins. But I would give my everything for you both. I appreciate you guys. So much more than I can say. I'm so grateful to have parents who are involved in my life, and who want to spend time with me. I like having parents who will go to movies with me, and watch late night TV shows. Whose daughter can’t drive, and who get frustrated at that fact, but so lovingly give me rides. I hate it when I forget to say thank you. You don’t know how much I appreciate the little things you guys do. And the big things. But for the record....
THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU

thanks.

I have had an incredibly emotional week. I am the first to admit that I'm a bit bipolar.
I dont know how to explain depression. Or how it makes me feel. Or why certain periods of time are just worse than others. Even with the same meds, the same activities. It just changes. I had a week where I hated everything. It happens to me. I was so angry, and so sad. Mostly I was lonely. Which is a really awful feeling.
Loneliness.
I feel like the worst human being for feeling lonely. When I have so many amazing people in my life. My family, my friends, and my unconditional loving dog nog.
This week was full of loneliness. And self pity. And I am a walking contradiction.
I HATE HATE HATE HATE self pity. I have so much in my life. HOW DARE I FEEL SAD AND FEEL SELF PITY. Yet, it happened. I would feel happy for a few hours, and then fall back into these awful feelings. And snuggle Nog by the fire, and cry.
I have so many people in my life, who mean the world to me. I just want to write about a few here. They might not hear it all the time, or know just how important they are in my life. But they will now. Following this post will be gratitude notes to some important people in my life.

these few words.

These three days.
I feel lonely and sad. And i'm not entirely sure what brought this on.I would like to feel better, and stop feeling like a peice of poop. Maybe its my cold that wont go away. Or the fact that my best friend is gone for a week. But its a weird few days. I'll get back to you later.

Magical Music Moments

I talked to a good friend tonight who asked me some personal questions for fun. One of the questions that came up was to name my favourite musical moments in my life. It really got me to thinking about some of the best moments of my entire life. Not just musically but as a human being. So I thought it would be neat to share them for this cyberspace world.
I have a few that stick out in my head. Lets go in order of my life, because that seems logical.
1)I once did this solo at school in "this land is your land" and it was pretty epic. you would be jealous.

2)I did my first major solo at the winspear in this song and it was really cute. I was pretty good too.

3) I sang at this festival in banff for 3 years. The rocky mountain music festival. It was the highlight of the choir year from me. You go to see other choirs, and see clinicians, and have your own choir work with a clinician and its just an amazing experience. My second year in banff was particularly special to me. It was part of my last week in the country before I left for a long student exchange to africa. I was scared and wasnt even convinced I was going on this exchange. I just didnt want to leave my life here behind. I talked to a few friends about it extensively. We were singing our showcase concert in a small intimate church, as the main hall was being renovated that year. So we sung in this packed church and the world went quiet for one song, and my fear of leaving was gone. My very very good friend Adam, is probably the sweetest person you could ever meet. He also has an incredible voice. He got the solo in one of my favourite songs. "FARE THE WELL,LOVE". He sang this solo and looked at me as we surrounded the audience, and I felt like this moment was made just for me. I bawled. It was such a content moment for me. I connected with him on such a personal level for that one song, that was just SO special.

4)After leaving banff, I went on the most incredible trip of a lifetime. I travelled across the world to South Africa. I stayed with a family there, and went to school for a few months. During my time off at the school I worked in a preschool called "Emyezweni" for quite some time. I got very close with these children, and the teachers there. It was a very special time in my life.
This whole trip happened through an exchange via my choir. My choir, (as I have mentioned in other posts), was a huge part of my life aswell. I ended up waiting to meet up with the choir after my exchange, as they were on tour the last month I was in Africa. So I stayed an extra month to meet up with everyone before heading home. On one of my last days in africa, our choir went to the township of the preschool, to visit some other schools.
We made an impromptu trip to Emyezweni and visited with the kids there. We all knelt down surrounding the kids and sang soft African lullabies with them, and then they sang to us. We played games with them, and sat with them, learned their songs, and just spent time together. It was one of the most special moments of my life. Two of the most special groups of people in my life together, sharing time enjoying eachothers' company. It was truly amazing.

Goodbye AGA..

Tomorrow is the last day of semester one. I will miss it, and I'm also really glad its over. My only semestered class this time was my graphic arts class. Which has been quite the adventure. Some memories to look back upon this semester and things that made my life more interesting:
the one who shall not be named
Szram
The hobo
his dad
the bum
the dinosaur noise boy.
tits magee
the slapping (bum to hobo, and to a certain teacher..)
GORD.
the silly projects, and the awesome ones
the ugly boy who "only dates models"
the weird girl who "volunterily hugs him.. eww"
The life chats with debourcier
the laughing until tears formed,
and the keeping eachother sane.

Thanks for the ridiculous semester team AGA. I'll miss it all. ( well almost all).

Reminisce.

I hate that I've lost touch with some really important people in my life. My two best friends from last year Esther and Ian I talk to once every few months. And last year we spend EVERY SINGLE DAY together. I have my best friend now Erin, and I love her to pieces. She keeps me sane. And I'm not saying that I dont appreciate the friends that I have now, I just really miss some of my old friends.
Some of my best friends for years were in choir with me, and it is a very odd situation to not have that choir anymore, and its even weirder to have lost contact with all of these amazing people.

I miss my friend Fahim. Who was really my big brother. He taught me so much, in a loving, -I'm not judging you, but really just want to help you- kind of way. I miss going for milkshakes and talking about the world, and playing crib, and watching
stupid movies.

I miss my other big brother Keith. He and fahim were generally one unit, that would always hang out with me, together, and we would laugh about nothing for hours. And Keith and I would sit and talk, or jam while he played trombone (HAHA).

I miss my big sister Jessica. Who I could talk to about anything. I miss her advice, and her admitting she had no advice, but plenty of hugs and icecream. I miss watching house, and silly french movies.

I miss steve. Who talks to my mom now, and I havent heard a word from him in months. And that really bothers me. I know she's still sick, and needs encouragement and friends, but a single hello, how are you handling things would have been nice.

Kokopelli was FULL of my older siblings, and anyone I could talk to for hours, about nothing and just enjoy the company, or talk about incredibly important things.

I have a few quite close friends now, but I also miss feeling like I have a place somewhere other than home. I dont want to go back to choir now, because its an entirely new group of people, and I dont know them. Its not the people I knew and loved. I really just want to sit here, and reminisce about how great last year.


AND I WAS THE BITCH WHO TOOK IT FOR GRANTED UNTIL IT WAS FAR TOO LATE.